Saturday, March 13, 2021

March 13

I'm having a little March 12/13 PTSD this weekend. Anyone else feeling somber as we mark the one-year anniversary of when the world shut down? 

3/12/20  has been recorded in my brain alongside 9/11/01 and 5/29/88, days in which the world changed. (The last of these was the day my dad died as I finished up my junior year of high school.) These are dates I will never just breeze through. They're tender days, remembering days. They are days that remind me that God is faithful, steadfast, unchanging, and in control, no matter how my world may suddenly shift. 

One year ago today, my kids rushed into school to grab what they needed for an extended spring break. An extra week off after a busy winter sports season seemed like a nice, though silly, break. Flatten the curve? OK, whatever. We'll welcome any opportunity to sleep in. Some of my friends were whispering outrageous things. More than a two-week break? No more school for the rest of the year? Prom and graduation canceled? I laughed at the drama of it all. Things like that happen in movies, not in real life. 

But here we are, one year later. My girl who had a drive-thru graduation now takes college classes online in her dorm room. My 16-year-old is currently out of school because of a quarantine. And worst of all, my 78-year-old father-in-law is in the hospital battling for his life against Covid-induced pneumonia. Would I ever have believed on March 13, 2020, that this is where we would be one year later? 

It is a mercy that we can't see the future. We've made the journey through this past year one day at a time, literally having no clue what the next day would hold. That's the way God designed it to be. I worked on a Bible study years ago in which the author wrote that he didn't picture the Israelites crossing the Red Sea the way they did in the Ten Commandments movie. Instead of the water rolling back shore to shore, he pictured the water receding with each single step God's people took. While that doesn't quite fit with the description in Exodus, it does fit with how we usually experience life with God. He gives us what we need for today and asks us to trust Him with the mysteries of tomorrow. That's what we've done the past 365 days, and that's what we'll keep doing. 

What is sustaining and encouraging me most right now is knowing that God has been preparing me my whole life for just such a time as this. And because I am prepared, I can thrive through this hard season, especially the difficulty of watching my husband grieve his sweet dad. 

My friend Steph sent me an excerpt from an online article about a month ago that I have returned to again and again. It has redefined for me what it means to thrive: "Thriving isn't a feeling. It is evidence of preparing for a marathon, not a parade. It is a deep knowledge that you have trained for this, you have what it takes to be sustained through this, and you will flourish on the other side of this season. To thrive is to live in the season, not wait for it to pass. And the season itself is not in charge of how we experience it."*

Since I was 10 years old and encountered Jesus for the first time, I have been in training for the faith challenges of the past year. I am deeply, personally, intimately connected to the One who has trained me and who will sustain me. Because of that, I don't have to charge through this hard season in my own strength, searching for something I can control. I don't have to numb myself with Netflix and Cheetos and just wait for it to pass, either. I can fully live in this season, fully participate in it, knowing that God has equipped me for whatever I face today. 

Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow. Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me. 

 

*"Thriving in the Winter: More than Waiting," Ministry Spark by David C Cook, written by Christie Penner Worden







Monday, January 25, 2021

When Crazy Becomes Normal

January 6 was a scary day. It was Day 300 of the surreal world we've been living in (literally 300 days between March 12, 2020 and January 6, 2021—I counted), and it was the day I realized the toll those 300 days have had on me. 

I watched the events unfold at the Capitol in mostly real time, and I felt nothing. No fear or outrage or sadness or horror. Certainly no shock or suprise. All I felt was numb. It wasn't until a couple days later that I felt anything at all, and what I felt was scared—not for our nation, but for my numb self. Why can I watch shocking, "unprecendented" things take place and feel absolutely nothing?*

I've never been on social media, and I am selective and careful about how much information I allow into my head. But in the days that followed January 6, I started reading and listening broadly, trying to process, trying to get my moral and spiritual bearings, trying to feel. 

It was a mostly successful endeavor. I read articles and listened to podcasts that made me say, "No, that's not right, that's completely out of step with biblical truth." I got a little feisty, and it felt good. I read things that totally resonated with me, perspectives that aligned with the truth-grid that lives deep inside me, and I felt hopeful and grounded. I was able to name certain things as "bad" and others as "good." It wasn't quite the same thing as experiencing real feelings, but it was close and it was better. 

I stayed in the Scriptures. I stayed in prayer. I stayed in conversation with people I trust as wise and holy. 

I had mostly moved on, thankful to be feeling more like myself, until last night. Last night I sat with a group of 16- and 17-year-old girls processing life together. And what I heard from these vibrant, passionate, brilliant girls was this: "I just don't care anymore." They've had too many cancellations and too many disappointments. Too much time alone in front of a computer pretending to learn U.S history and chemistry. Too many days that all look exactly the same. Too little to look forward to. Too many "unprecedenteds." They're done, and done looks like, "I don't care, not even about the things that used to be so important to me." We spent 45 minutes talking about their frustrations, and then when I asked them, "Where are you finding hope right now?" the room was dead silent. No answers. 

These are girls from strong families with a solid spiritual foundation and a deeply rooted faith in Christ. How do the kids without those things feel? I can't stop thinking about it. 

I can't stop asking God what to do with all of this. How do we live when crazy becomes normal? When unprecedented becomes daily life? When we're all so disoriented and depleted that we barely have anything left to give? 

Can I hear an "amen"? Because we're all in this together, right? 

My message throughout 2020 was, "We can do hard things." Hard things are good for us. We wouldn't choose the hard things, but we will be grateful for them one day. Consider it joy, my friends, when you face trials of many kinds. 

What enables us to do hard things is hope. I can do mountain climbers for a minute if I have hope that I only have to do them for a minute.

But what do we do when our hardship has no end date? It's 2021 now, and this is still hard. We're all still doing mountain climbers, and there's no clock running down to zero anywhere to be found.

Where do we find hope when our struggle seems never-ending? When we're numb and apathetic? We see answers all around us. People put their hope in a vaccine, a new administration, a return to normal, plans for a great vacation once this is all over. But vacations get rained out and administrations disappoint. So what, then? 

What can a shell-shocked, still-slightly-numb 50-year-old say to a group of despairing teenagers? It's what I've been telling them since we started meeting eight years ago. While they've been outgrowing their shoes and learning algebra and discovering that boys aren't gross, the world has changed. But my message to them hasn't. It's still this: Our only hope is a person. His name is Jesus, and He is all we can count on. Hoping in Jesus isn't a slogan or a crutch. It's the truth, and maybe the biggest, best truth we could ever know. Jesus is unchanging but never boring. Jesus fills up the empty. Jesus enlivens the numb. Jesus is hope for the hopeless. The closer we get to Him, the closer we are to hope. 


*I should clarify that I wasn't feeling nothing about everything. I still had plenty of feelings related to my own little world: sadness and excitement about my kids going back to college, nervousness about my younger girls return to in-person school and how long that would last, bliss at Colorado restaurants opening back up, surprised giddiness when I filled up my gas tank for way less than I expected, gratitude after a good conversation with one of  my kids. 

Sunday, January 10, 2021

Church, at last!

Today I went to church. 

I put on decent clothes, drove in a car, and went to church for the first time in 10 months. 

While many churches in my city have been open for months, our church has held off having in-person services until this weekend. It wasn't like they opened up the flood gates and let in the masses. We're a megachurch, so we had to make reservations and wear masks and social distance. We were also encouraged by our church leaders to hold off a bit longer if we're doing fine with online church in order to make space for those who really needed to be there in person. 

As soon as I got the news about reopening, I knew I was a person who really needed to be there, but I couldn't have told you exactly why. As I was sitting there this morning, I figured it out. 

It's not because I missed the church building.

Not because I missed seeing other people.

Not because I missed hearing a live message or singing with a live worship band. (As a side note, I thought I really wouldn't sing at all because of the mask. I planned to sort of whisper-sing the words to myself, as I've mostly done at home the past 10 months in an effort to avoid being obnoxiously loud and annoying to my family members. But this morning, all thoughts of the mask quickly disappeared and I sang with reckless abandon, not caring one iota if my harmonizing was pitchy.)

My reason for needing to go back to church wasn't any of the things I would have guessed. It was because I need to feel like I'm making an offering to God, and that offering needs to cost me something. 

I'm reading Leviticus right now, which reminds me of how costly the Israelites' offerings were. A bull was expensive, so much so that most people couldn't give one. God needed to give the people other cheaper options, from smaller animals to grain offerings, but all of them were costly. Not only was there a monetary expense, but sacrifices were terribly inconvenient. Who "just happens" to have time in their day to stop what they're doing, look for a perfect animal, wrangle it to the tabernacle, and wait their turn for the priest in order to make their offering? They didn't exactly have a webinar to watch or kids to get to soccer, but I'm sure sacrifices never felt easy or convenient. 

While I am not comparing my experience today with the Israelites, I am comparing it to what "church" has looked like the past 10 months.

Today, I had to be mindful of getting up on time and using my minutes well. I fixed my hair and put on makeup. I dressed up (a little). I asked teenagers to get up three hours earlier than they're used to and dealt with the salty attitudes that produced. I herded sleepy, uncommunicative people into the car in a timely fashion, which was no small feat. Because we had inches of new snow today, shoveling and scraping were required, as was navigating all the cars in our driveway while not really being able to see out of the back windshield. (Thankfully, the only casualty was a broken broom that I ran over with my car.) 

These things are a little costly. Not sacrificing-a-bull-without-blemish-or-defect costly, but also not nothing. 

And then there are the things you encounter when you get to church. The icy parking lot. The person who parks too close to you. Listening to the loud woman sing off-key two rows behind you. A crying baby. A drafty room. A few too many flashing lights during worship. The traffic exiting the parking lot. 

It cost something to go to church today. It's not the same as picking the day and time that best fit with my schedule, strolling over to the couch in the clothes I slept in, and turning on the TV. You can slouch and even lie down during home church. You can check your phone occasionally, cozy up with a blanket, eat a snack, or get up to throw the clothes in the dryer. It's really all about you; do whatever's convenient and feels good. At least that's what it felt like to me. 

Going to church, a real, live church, is not necessarily convenient. Sometimes, it's downright difficult. But it's God's will for us. Based on Hebrews 10:25 ("let us not neglect our meeting together"), we could even say it's a command. Obedience to God's will requires sacrifice. And today, for the first time in my life, going to church felt like making a sacrifice to God. My offering to Him was tiny, but it was an offering. And that's what I've been missing. 

I'm not judging anyone who chooses online church. People have good reasons for making that choice. But for me personally, I need to worship in a way that feels like it's much less about me and much more about God. I need to go to church with all the costly things that entails. 

Thursday, December 31, 2020

My 2020 Book List

 As it turns out, pandemics are good for readers. I read so many books this year that I'm not even including on this list those that were forgettable and unimportant. But I am including 22 reviews, which makes for a lot of words. I've listed my top six books of the year at the beginning, but there are some good ones further down the list if you're inclined to read that far. 

GREAT BOOKS

I read a lot of good books. Occasionally, I read a great book. This year I read two:

The Color of Water: A Black Man's Tribute to His White Mother by James McBride. Many book characters don't stay with me longer than it takes me to get the book back to the library. The people in McBride's book will linger in my mind a very long time. Written in 1996, this is a book I can't believe I hadn't read until now. It's become a standard university text, and I love the thought of it provoking college students to think, "I wonder if my parents had a life before me? I wonder where they came from and who they are?" McBride chronicles his journey of discovering his mother's story, and why she, a Jewish woman married to a black man, didn't look like him or his 11 siblings. His account is moving and powerful. It's painful, but also uplifting and a beautiful testimony of how one ordinary woman raised extraordinary children with no money but a whole lot of Jesus. 

The Warmth of Other Suns: The Epic Story of America's Great Migration by Isabel Wilkerson. It took 2020 to wake me up to a world I knew nothing about. This was one of a handful of books I read to help me understand what it's like to be black in America. It contains a part of history I never learned, the Great Migration of black southerners to the north and the west between 1917 and 1970. I learned more from this book than from any other this year. Wilkerson's massive amount of research is couched in such captivating storytelling that I breezed through 622 pages in a couple of weeks. 

GOOD BOOKS

Confronting Christianity: 12 Hard Questions for the World's Largest Religion by Rebecca McLaughlin. This was Christianity Today's 2020 Beautiful Orthodoxy Book of the Year, and it is well deserved. If you or someone you know is struggling with questions like the tension about diversity and religion, if science and Christianity are compatible, if the Bible denigrates women, or how Christianity can say it's the only way to God, this book is a good choice. You can just tell that the author is brilliant, but she's also accessible and engaging. Her chapter on the Bible and slavery was an answer to prayer for me. Her goal is not to offer one-size-fits-all answers, but to introduce readers to new ways of thinking about the hard questions of faith. 

Another Gospel?: A Lifelong Christian Seeks Truth in Response to Progressive Christianity by Alisa Childers. False teachers are nothing new. Paul, Peter, and Jude all wrote about them in their epistles, and they find a way into every generation of Christian thinkers and leaders. Today we know them as "progressive Christians." Childers was drawn in by one and on her way to the deconstruction that has become the buzz word of our day. But she didn't stay there. She threw herself into deep study of the legitimacy of the Bible and orthodox Christianity and came out with a fortified, robust belief in all that she'd believed in before. She puts her story and her hefty research into this book, which I will be giving to all the high school girls I have in Bible study. It's readable and relatable, and it will help them critically evaluate the false doctrines they're sure to face. 

New Morning Mercies by Paul David Tripp. Maybe more than any other year, it was good to start each day of 2020 with a shot of good theology. The theme of this devotional is grace, and I needed it every day. 

The Color of Compromise: The Truth about the American Church's Complicity in Racism by Jemar Tisby. The author promised in his introduction that this would be a hard book to read, and he was right. But it wasn't hard for me for the reasons he anticipated. I have no problem acknowledging that the church has hidden its head in the sand for centuries regarding racism. I am not surprised that some of the great theologians of the past were also some of the biggest racists. Tisby did his research, his facts are well presented, and I believe them. My struggle was two-fold. First, I'm not sure it's fair to judge events of the past by the standards of today. In a bold move for his time, Billy Graham personally pulled down the segregation ropes at his revivals. Yet Tisby condemns him for not doing more, because by today's standards, that's not nearly enough. My second issue was one of personal reckoning. If I had been born on a plantation in the early 1800s, it would have been so easy for me to believe the Christian rhetoric that justified slavery: "We're saving souls!" If I was never taught how people were kidnapped from Africa and brought to the U.S. and didn't personally see how cruelly and inhumanely they were treated (and had no Netflix documentaries to show me), would I have taken a stand against something that my culture had always known and embraced? How I pray that I would have, but I fear that's not the case. This book sparked my year of repentance for myself, my ancestors, and the church. 

FICTION

Apeirogon by Colum McCann. This was the most unique book I've ever read. It's fiction? Sort of? It's a novel? Not really? It tells one cohesive story in its 457 pages, but in a most unusual way. I chose to read it because I'm overdue in understanding the Israel-Palestine conflict, and this book went a long way in filling my gaps. It also had me googling words like Nakba and intifada. (If 457 pages isn't for you, Vox.com has a good series of articles that explain the decades-long conflict.) The story is centered on the unlikely friendship between two fathers--an Israeli and a Palestinian who both lost young daughters in the conflict--and their mission for peace. But you'll also get snippets on how many gallons of water a swimming pool holds, where Nothing Compares 2 U was originally recorded, and more facts about birds than you ever wanted to know. I kinda loved it? I think?

Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurson. Called by one reviewer "the most widely read and highly regarded novel in the entire canon of African American literature," I read this one as part of my aim to get outside my own world and way of thinking. The story moves slowly at first, and it's hard to keep the characters straight. The dialogue is challenging. It's one of those books where you want to go back and read the first several pages again once you've finished. This was not a light, breezy read. It was perplexing and stretching as I had to put on different lenses to read it. But as I think back on it, I like it more and more, and I realize it had much to teach me. 

Such a Fun Age by Kiley Reid. What Hurston's book lacked in readability, Reid more than made up for, even though this book is equally deep. The main character is a young black woman who is questioned in a grocery store for being with her babysitting charge, a 3-year-old blonde girl, in the middle of the night. That event has ramifications for all the characters, black and white, and their relationships with one another. Reid's sharp, insightful writing reveals the true nature of people's internal dialogue (much of which I could relate to, sadly), though a lot of the language is rated R. 

Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. This is the fictionalized account of a Nigerian woman who moves to the United States to attend college. Adichie, who herself moves back and forth between Nigeria and the U.S., has much to say about race in the U.S. Rather than a good story with compelling characters, this novel felt more like a series of essays on race. But for anyone who wants to understand how Africans living in America view our country and our racial issues, Adichie gives a helpful perspective. The main character didn't even know race was an issue until she moved to the U.S. In the end, she made the decision to forgo fancy salads and reliable air conditioning to return to Nigeria, where her children would treat adults with respect and be evaluated by something other than the color of their skin. (This one's also R rated.)

The Vanishing Half by Britt Bennett. This book is near the top of all 2020 Best Books lists, and I can see why. It's a fascinating story about two light-skinned black twin sisters who run away from home and choose different directions for their lives. One marries the blackest man she can find and has a daughter with him before escaping his abuse. The other "passes" for white, marries a wealthy white executive, and has a blonde daughter. The story offers a sad look at what it's like to live under the burden of lifelong secrets and shame. I'd recommend this book except that I did not enjoy a secondary plot about a transgender relationship. It was uncomfortably graphic and, in my opinion, added nothing to the story. 

Olive, Again by Elizabeth Strout. I remember liking the first Olive Kitteridge book, which I read years ago. This one, not so much, although it opened my eyes to the kind of spiritual questioning, fear, and hopelessness people have. I'm not sure that's what Strout was going for, but as she wrote a book centered around older people, those approaching death and terrified of it, it made me thankful that I don't have to live with that kind of fear.

NON-FICTION

Educated: A Memoir by Tara Westover. I guess pandemics make me crave memoirs, because I read three this year. I didn't enjoy this one like I did James McBride's book, but it was hard to put down. The author grew up in a doomsday/antigovernment/survivalist Mormon family in Idaho and never attended a day of school until she managed to get into college. Her story is disturbing on many levels, but especially in how she was raised to see God. This is a story about false religion as much as anything. 

Why We Can't Sleep by Ada Calhoun. This is a well-written book subtitled "Women's New Midlife Crisis." But not just any women. Gen X women, of which I am one. I identified with nearly everything Calhoun wrote. I remember growing up with the Enjolie perfume commercial, where the woman can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never let you forget you're a man. I remember being told, "You can have it all." I was a latch-key kid with minimal parental supervision and dreams of changing the world. Calhoun hits all the notes of growing up in the 70s and 80s, only to arrive in the 90s and 2000s realizing that things weren't quite what we expected. With chapters on caregiving (young children and aging parents), money panic, decision fatigue, singleness, childlessness, divorce, job instability, menopause, and the simple doldrums ("Is this really what my life was supposed to look like?"), the book was insightful but depressing. Her conclusions were to find a good support system, ditch unrealistic expectations, and wait until things get better, like after 60. I find the hope of Jesus much more satisfying. I found myself trying to identify with the mopey discontentment apparently shared among women my age, only to come back to how much difference a transformed-by-Christ perspective makes on, well, everything. 

Doing Life with Your Adult Children: Keep Your Mouth Shut and the Welcome Mat Out by Jim Burns. I have entered the stage of life where this is the kind of parenting book I read. Sigh. The subtitle of this one says it all. While a lot of the book addressed problems I don't yet have, the best advice I got from Burns was to remember that any unsolicited advice offered to an adult child will be heard as criticism. 

White Fragility: Why It's So Hard for White People to Talk about Racism by Robin DiAngelo. I reviewed this book on my blog in July. It helped me understand the reasoning of Critical Race theorists, of which DiAngelo is one of the loudest voices. I thought the book started out well. She pointed out things I need to know, and she did it in a mostly helpful way. About halfway through, the tone seemed to change, and I felt like I was being chastised, not educated. 

Get Out of Your Head: Stopping the Spiral of Toxic Thoughts by Jennie Allen. I really like Jennie Allen, and she's written a timely, necessary book. It's an expanded version of "take every thought captive," complete with the author's own story, biblical and scientific research, and practical recommendations. Late in the book it all started to sound the same, so I stopped reading, but I have a feeling this is a book I will return to again and again. 

How We Think by John Dewey. I read this one pre-Covid, which feels like another lifetime, so I barely remember what it said. It centered on why we have closed minds and aren't willing to challenge our own thoughts, including a checklist at the end to help readers think in new ways. 

Moving Mountains: Praying with Passion, Confidence, and Authority by John Eldredge. I'm still processing this one. Eldredge writes about prayer of intervention, listening prayer, warfare prayer, inner healing, and physical healing, among other things. He includes his own sample prayers, which are helpful, but there was something that rubbed me ever-so-slightly the wrong way about how he approaches God. Still, I'm taking it to heart and thinking more about how to pray boldly, powerfully, and confidently. 

Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life by Richard Rohr. I wanted to like this one, but I never quite got it. I resonated with Rohr's argument that we all need closure at the end of every major life transition. I agreed with the idea that we don't really become who we're meant to be until we've suffered. His point, I think, was that falling down is actually moving upward. I got more from the jacket cover than from the actual book: "If you are on course at all, your world should grow much larger in the second half of life. But your circle of real confidants and truly close friends will normally grow smaller, but also more intimate. You are no longer surprised or angered when most people, even institutions, are doing first-half-of-life tasks." 

The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. I keep running into this title in other books, so I finally decided to check it out. If it hadn't been short, I wouldn't have stuck with it, as it wasn't what I expected. It's Didion's story of losing her husband, writer John Dunne, while their daughter was on life support fighting for her own life. Didion is an acclaimed writer, and her words are elegant. But the book felt like wallowing in someone else's grief for 227 pages, which is not what I needed during a pandemic. One really good point, though: Didion defines grief as a passive condition, something that is thrust upon you. She defines mourning as what you actively choose to do with your grief. 

Trick Mirror by Jia Tolentino. This was on a "must-read" list of 2019 books, and the author was named "the voice of millennial women." I was up for learning more about millennial women and how they think, so I was game to check this out. I didn't find anything likable about the author or her voice. Now, clearly, I was not her target audience. She grew up an evangelical Christian, but exchanged Jesus for psychedelic mushrooms, which she decided gave her the same religious experience. She is a hard-core feminist and writes about how stupid it is to get married and how oppressive it is to take a man's name. I read this book, like many others this year, to see the world through the eyes of another person. By the time I finished this one, I was extremely thankful to have my own eyes back. 


Wednesday, December 23, 2020

Two Days Before Christmas

A bi-polar teenager living far away from his family. Another teenager with a compromised immune system and a Covid-induced fever of 102. A bedridden nursing-home resident who hasn't seen her family in nine months, fighting off Covid. A friend's husband, young and healthy, who suddenly finds himself unable to sit, stand, or walk. Friends mourning the sudden, shocking death of their husband/father. An elderly neighbor experiencing seizures and disorientation, placed in the hospital's oncology unit because there were no other open beds. Two little girls in a chaotic, dangerous home surrounded by evil. 

Just a sample of the people I'm praying for two days before Christmas. When I come up for air, I remember all those who are sick, all those separated from loved ones, all who have experienced unthinkable loss this year. I think of church scandals and racial injustice, poverty and violence. 

God, it all feels like so much. And I only know the tiniest fraction of human suffering. You know it all. 

And yet you say: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light" (Matthew 11:28-30). 

Has there ever been a more welcome offer: "Come to me and find rest for your souls"? Not just my troubled mind, but my very soul? 

I'm also struck by Jesus's words, "Come to me." The Most Holy God invites us to come closer.

It's ironic, because holiness means set apart, separate, other. God is many, many things, but it would be hard to argue that God is anything more than He is holy. The Old Testament is full of examples of God protecting people from His holiness: hiding Moses in the cleft of a rock, keeping His people from climbing up the mountain to meet Him, allowing only one person, the high priest, to enter the Holy of Holies, and even then only once a year. God's holiness is all-consuming. No one can see Him and live. And yet this Holy One tells us, "Come to me." 

Not only that, but He went a step further. He said, "I'll come to you." This completely holy, completely "other," set-apart God wrapped Himself in human flesh and made His dwelling among us. What had to happen in order for this holy God, so consuming that to see Him was to die, to become human? And to become a baby, at that? Philippians 2:7 tries to explain it to us, saying He "emptied himself" in order to be born like all of us were. I can't even grasp that kind of emptying. 

How was it that the One whose face could not be glimpsed was the One swaddled by a teenage mother?

How was it that the God who is a consuming fire touched the eyes of the blind man without burning a hole through his head? 

How was it soldiers drove nails into the hands and feet of One so holy that people had to be shielded from His glory or be killed? 

How is it that this One whose presence caused Isaiah to wail, "I am ruined," not only calls out for me to come to Him, but took the first step by coming to me? 

He is Emmanuel, God with us.

He knew the depth and breadth of our suffering and sorrows, and He entered into it anyway. 

He surrendered His glory and greatness to live among hurting, hurtful people. 

He wept among those people. 

He gave His life for those people.

His yoke is easy and His burden is light. 


Thursday, December 3, 2020

What if I had known?

In his most recent online message, our pastor said something about how it's somehow December, but he feels like he's still waiting for the spring break that never arrived back in March. Yes, I get that. I feel displaced in time, like we've been in a holding pattern for nine months, and how can we possibly be putting up the Christmas lights?

Every year when I haul out the Christmas decorations, I can't help but think back on what things were like the last time I saw them, when I boxed them up on that melancholy day somewhere around January 2 or 3. This year, of course, the whole world has changed. It's hard to think of much of anything that's the same as it was in January. My kids went to school. We went to basketball games and friends' houses and restaurants and church. That was just life as we knew it; it wasn't anything we gave thought to. I don't remember ever thanking God that I could walk into a Chick-fil-A and sit down and eat. I've had a lot of emotions while waiting in my kids' carpool line, but gratitude for a completed, uneventful school day was never one of them. Life is so different now.  

So, I wonder, what would I have told myself last January 2 if I had known what 2020 would hold? What would I have said to that sappy mama who was boxing up the nativity animals, wishing for just a little more time with all the kids home? How would I tell her to prepare for the year that had just arrived with so much hopeful expectation? 

Of course there are dozens of practical things. Make hair appointments for everyone and get the dog groomed. Stock up on meat and toilet paper. Make sure that home gym is ready to go. (Thankfully, my husband had that one covered.) 

I would tell her to let go of the little things that seemed so big at the time--spring break plans, graduation plans, family visit plans, kids' summer internship plans, or basically any plans at all. 

I would say to her, "You know all those times you felt overwhelmed and just wanted to stop the merry-go-round, get off, recenter, and rest a bit? Take heart, because it's comin'." 

I would advise her to put down the frivolous fiction book she was reading and instead ready her mind for the mental battles and faith challenges that were about to land like a hurricane. I would tell her to worship and fellowship at every opportunity, to say yes to every invitation to be with people. I would encourage her to be creative in finding ways to worship on her own. 

I'd tell her never to pray lightly for her kids to grow in resilience. And to watch them, and all the teenagers she knows, when she wonders how to respond when the world is pulled out from underneath you. 

I would try to convince her that days spent in a misty-eyed funk, days in which there is no trace of productivity or accomplishment (except maybe getting the dishwasher loaded for the third time), can still be very good days. Those are the kinds of days where you learn who you are. The days when if you really listen hard, you can hear the still, small voice of God. 

I would tell her that the cancellations and disappointments soon to be punching her in the gut would be met with the equally fierce grace of God. Grace that made what would have seemed inconceivably sad on January 2 or 3 some of our best memories of the year. Like 75 visitors to our driveway to wish a brand new teenager a happy birthday. Or a backyard graduation where every attendee is a speaker and the graduate performs her own Pomp and Circumstance. 

I'd say to her, "No matter how bizarre the day was, watch the sun set over Pikes Peak and remember that God is still on the throne."

Secretly, I would laugh to myself that she thought she was doing pretty well with patience and endurance, humility and surrender. Bless her heart. Let her live in ignorant bliss for a few more months until she learns the truth the hard way. 

Maybe the most amusing thing would be to talk with her about her word for the year: Release.  

This all makes me wonder what December 2021 Me would say to the current me. I guess she's already started speaking. By faith, I just placed an online order for hairspray and mascara. I'm looking at my church clothes with high hopes. I think what she may be saying is this: "Let yourself look forward to the year ahead. Just don't for a second forget what you learned from 2020."


Sunday, November 1, 2020

And now it's November

As we begin this month, our ninth month living with the coronavirus and the climactic month of this contentious political season, here are three things I'm pondering:

1. What motivates us to fight so hard for our rights? It could be argued that Americans value their individual rights above anything else. Why is this? Why are rights so meaningful to us that we're quick to do battle with coworkers, neighbors, and strangers over them? Why are they so important to us that we're willing to break relationship with friends and family members just to preserve them? The Constitution guarantees us certain rights, but do we stop to think about what those rights are for? Just so I can be free to do whatever I think is right or will make me happy? Or is there more to it? How should we be using our rights? How do we balance our rights with our responsibilities to others? 

2. We all wish things would just get better already. But I wonder, why do we think that's going to happen? And what if "better" isn't what's best? I'm as fed up with 2020 as the next person. I look back longingly at how things were in the past. But in this bubbling stew of emotions I feel, one of them is excitement. I am excited to see God work. I don't relish the hardship of it, but I long for God to purify His church, His people, and do a mighty work in us. If this is what that looks like, then I'm all in. 

Like most everyone else I know, I am praying for God to heal our land. But I'm open to the possibility that that could look different from what I'm hoping for. Maybe things won't get better. Maybe they'll get worse. What if worse is what we need? The church changes, focuses, and grows under pressure. We have plenty of examples (hello, China) of how God's kingdom advances in times of persecution. We can probably all look back in our lives and see how suffering brought greater devotion. As much as I love the words "easy" and "comfortable," I love "sanctification" and "righteousness" even more. With a big, deep gulp I pray, God, make us holy, by whatever means necessary. 

3. My favorite passage of Scripture recently has been Psalm 103:13-14.

As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed; he remembers that we are dust."

Psalm 103 is worth reading every day. All of it is uplifting. But, oh, am I thankful that God included verses 13 and 14. I need Him to remind me that He knows how I'm formed. He knows I'm dust. No one has lofty expectations for dust. The messaging of my day tells me that I am strong, powerful, capable, ready to take on the world, and sometimes, on my best days, I might feel that way. But usually, I feel like dust, very aware of my weaknesses and shortcomings. God knows that. He reminds me that even though I am dust, I'm "a piece of earth breathing holy breath" as Twila Paris said it, and He has compassion on me. 

He sees us, He knows how we are formed, and He has compassion on us. That's reason for rejoicing, even this November.