Compassion

Note from "author": Part of my intent for starting this blog was to share deeply and honestly about the things God is teaching me. While it's a lot easier to write about trivial things, there's freedom that comes from being vulnerable about the things He's doing deep within me. Today's entry is one of those soul-bearing exercises.

I’ve always had a bit of a crunchy outer shell. The tenderness is there, but you have to dig for it. Mercy-gifted? Not so much. Compassionate? On occasion. To someone whose child faced a life-threatening illness or whose husband walked out—or, more recently, someone who lost an unborn baby—my compassion flowed readily. But to those whose struggles were less tangible, less overtly life-altering, my general position was usually: “Count your blessings. Focus on the positive. You’ll be fine. Get over it.”

My inability to understand or identify with others’ internal struggles has distanced me from entire groups of people. Those I deemed too emotional or too sensitive I simply kept a comfortable distance from. (Interestingly, I’ve found that strategy can’t last forever since at least one of my daughters falls into this category.) I declared myself the judge of whether or not someone’s struggles were “legitimate” or not and therefore if they were worthy of compassion. (Ugh. It stings just to write it, but I know it’s true.)

I’ve been struck this week by how God is changing me. As usual, He’s doing it through the stuff in my own life. My circumstances are great. My health is excellent and always has been. My family life is the stuff 1950’s TV shows were made of. Our financial worries are minimal. And now I’m at home all day with my fun, healthy, well-behaved children. If the old me had caught someone daring to be sad under those circumstances, they would have received a stern pep talk on gratitude and blessing-counting. Compassion never would have crossed my mind.

Yet I know what’s happening underneath my idealistic circumstances. I’m feeling it. Internally, I’m experiencing some of the biggest struggles of my life. The issues I wrestle with today are completely intangible—questions of identity, calling, significance, place, connecting with others. Deep, emotional things. Things that make my thoughts and words seem crazy and irrational sometimes.

I’ve found the darkness inside myself that I never knew could exist in such a sanguine personality. In the process, I’ve also found some compassion for others. I am more drawn to emotional/sensitive/complicated types than ever before. Usually they’re the most real people you can find—and more than anything right now, I crave real.

Thirty-seven years old and finally learning something about true compassion! How many times have I read 1 Peter 3:8 without applying it to myself? Well, I’m doing it now:

“Be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, be humble. That goes for all of you, no exceptions. No retaliation. No sharp-tongued sarcasm. Instead, bless—that’s your job, to bless. You’ll be a blessing and also get a blessing.” (The Message)

I’m not just blessing others with compassion; they’re blessing me. It’s more than just accepting different personalities—it’s learning from them.

I love to see that God’s still at work in me and cares about making me a better older person than the younger person I’ve been.