And in the end, there's grace

I got several responses to my last post about this being a great time to be a parent. One of them—because of what it reminds me of and because of who it’s from—should be read by more than just me, so I share it here. My friend David is the father of seven, ranging from a teenager to adult children who are now raising their own kids. He reminds me to always remember grace. On our best day and on our worst day as parents, we can be sure that we are surrounded by the grace of God. David also suggested something I hadn’t considered so succinctly: that previous generations were less intentional because the need was not so great.  

Although our parents may have been less engaged in our emotional and spiritual lives, they raised us in a season of our culture where the vestiges of a godly heritage were more of an asset than what our society offers today. It would have been better if they had been more engaged. But it seems like the need was not as intense. 

All parenting is by grace. That is, we try to be faithful with the tools and training that we have, then God fills in the other 90 percent that's actually needed. When I have moments of regret, I am utterly astounded at how well our children are doing. We've worked hard at parenting well. But we've made horrible mistakes and have often failed miserably to be what our children needed. And we've come very close to losing some along the way. Grace! Grace! Grace!

It's a Good Time to Be in the Parenting Business

I do a weekly Bible study with women of all different ages. We have 20-somethings, great-grandmas, and everything in between. I like this for a number of reasons, but most recently, it's because it's given me fresh perspective and gratitude on my generation. One of the older ladies recently said, with tears in her eyes, how it both blesses her and makes her a little sad when she hears us younger moms talk about the things we're doing with our kids. She sent her kids to Sunday school and church, and that was that. She never would have thought to sit down with them and talk about what she personally was learning about the Bible, let alone her fears or doubts. She just wasn't aware of being that intentional.

I wonder if "intentionality" was even a word people used when I was a kid? My parents, and all the other parents I knew, went to work, put food on the table, gave us a ride when we needed it, and hoped we'd turn out OK. The kids and teens I knew in the 80s knew that Russia was bad, sex would lead to a baby or an STD, and we should "just say no" to drugs. Other than that, we holed up in our own little lives talking on the phone, watching a whole lot of TV, and listening to some great music. (I also spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to make my hair bigger, but that's another story.) Mostly, we were left to our own devices.

We didn't really do family things, other than the occasional vacation. No one I knew was having family talks about values or the culture or anything that really mattered. There was no vision-casting, no deep sharing about the life lessons our parents had learned, and no apologies from parents when they messed up. Our dads weren't in the delivery rooms when we born and didn't take their girls to daddy-daughter dances. Moms in the 70s and 80s were empowered to work outside the home, but that meant their kids had less time with them than ever.

I don't blame my parents or any others of their generation. They didn't know any better. They didn't have Dr. Phil or Dr. Laura, no Love and Logic or Shepherding a Child's Heart, none of the volumes of resources we have today. They also didn't have good modeling from their own parents, the "children-must-be-seen-and-not-heard" generation. I don't blame them, but I do feel bad for them, especially the teary woman in my Bible study who said, "I wish I could get a do-over."

What parent hasn't felt that way? I have my very good share of parenting regrets, but I'm also very thankful for my parenting opportunities--the ones that come as a result of being a mom in this generation. My kids have dozens of adults in their lives who would happily talk about hard things with them. For their 13th birthdays, my two older ones received journals full of handwritten notes from their friends and their friends' parents. These people called out my kids' strengths and spoke words of blessing and affirmation over them at a pivotal time in their lives. I've had the privilege of doing this for many of my friends' 13-year-olds.

We've spent time at family camp learning how to be more intentional parents while doing crazy, hilarious things that our kids will remember the rest of their lives. I watch the news nearly every night with my older kids and talk about the world--why it is the way it is and how we can pray. A friend of mine watched the Netanyahu speech last week with her family, which led to all sorts of discussions about the Bible, values, and politics.Today's moms and dads regularly leave work to fill gyms, bleachers, and auditoriums to support their kids as they run, dance, tackle, sing, and give speeches. Without batting an eye, they take off work to go on 4th grade field trips. They spend hours not only driving, but really talking, in the car. We stay connected not only because we want to, but because we have to. It's sickening that we have to teach our little girls not to send naked pictures of themselves to anyone ever and our boys the dangers of internet porn, but it also opens up the door to a world of good conversation about values and privacy and holding out for God's very best. How many people were having those conversations in the 80s, let alone the 50s?

We hear a lot about how technology and social media have isolated us, keeping family members in separate rooms with separate devices. That's not the world I live in. The families I know are actively engaged with one another, day in day out, for better and for worse. We're in each other's space. We're in each other's business. We're nowhere close to perfect, but we're all in and we're well resourced. People say there's never been a harder time to be a kid. I would argue that there's never been a better time to be a parent.