I Don't Get It: A First Installment of What May Become Semi-Regular

Note: There's a lot that I don't get. So much so that I'm going to write about it periodically under the heading "I Don't Get It." I've been in this world quite a long time, and there is still so much I'm trying to make sense of. I'm not trying to be sarcastic or funny; I'm genuinely trying to understand. I welcome your responses, public or private. 

The NBA Championship kicked off last night, somewhat overshadowed by the news that LeBron James's house had been spraypainted with the "n" word. James responded by saying, "No matter how much money you have, no matter how famous you are, no matter how many people admire you, being black in America is tough."

Although I would argue that just living in this fallen world is tough, his statement is helpful and thought-provoking for a white, middle-class mom who's never faced a day of racism in her life. But here's what I don't get: Why is this word that is so clearly offensive used so extensively among the people it offends?

Last weekend, I was at a park in Toledo, Ohio, with my two younger daughters. While my family celebrated my nephew's graduation, a group of young black men played basketball as their music blared. In twenty minutes, we heard the "n" word hundreds of times. We heard about "raping bitches"  over and over again. Though the day was beautiful and the basketball fun to watch, we could only stomach so much of it before we had to leave.

So what are we to teach out kids? First, the rule for whites: Common sense and sensitivity say we never use the "n" word. Paula Dean and countless others have learned this the hard way. I hope I've taught my kids that labels in general, and derogatory ones in particular, are not a loving way to treat people. This word should not be in our vocabulary. In fact, it should feel distasteful in our mouths. Last summer, when we read New Boy, a Civil Rights-era book, aloud together, I stumbled hard over the "n" word. I should stumble. My kids should stumble, even when they see it in good literature. This I get. But from there it gets much trickier.

From what I read online, even though the word is a staple of rap music, it is not to be used by white rappers. There was some debate over whether or not Asian rappers could use it. Because Asians, as far as we know, never kept black slaves, it might be OK for them to use it. For younger blacks--rapper or otherwise--it's perfectly acceptable. In fact, they encourage its use, seeing it as a sign of power and liberation to freely throw around a word laced with such historical oppression. I read that it has become a term of endearment "in a defiant, yet fitting, cultural appropriation of a term meant to hurt" African Americans. One young man promised that in a decade, we'll see it appear on children's spelling lists. Older generations of black men and women heartily disagree and believe the word should never be used by anyone.

(I didn't find any discussion on the pros and cons of  the term "raping bitches," but maybe I'm not looking hard enough.)

So is this what I'm supposed to teach my kids when I'm at parks in Toledo and at stoplights in Colorado Springs and we hear a word that's supposedly forbidden, for good reason, drilled into our heads twenty times in a minute? This whole line about how it's never OK for us, but that it's somehow empowering for those it offends? That's what I don't get.

When we pull back the lens from this one word and look at the bigger picture, it becomes clearer. Racism is real. It affects the rich, the famous, and even the heroes of our culture. Hate and selfishness leave their ugly mark on all of us, but some get it a lot worse than others. No matter where we come from or how we're different, we have a common enemy who uses hate to divide and destroy us and to distract us from the One who gives love and peace and reconciliation. That I understand, and it's a crying shame.