I read a book this spring that left me stunned, grieved, perplexed, and fired up. If you know me at all, you know my concerns about social media. Yes, I know. It can and does advance the gospel, bring together loving marriages, and inspire fabulous last-minute party ideas. I know that social media is not the antichrist and serves some very good purposes. But anyone would agree that it has changed the landscape of our country and left a huge imprint on the way younger generations, especially, think, act, and relate with one another. Journalist Nancy Jo Sales documents the impact in her book American Girls: Social Media and the Secret Lives of Teenagers. Released in March 2016, it is recongnized as the most current, comprehensive look at how social media is influencing today's teenagers.
This was one of the hardest books I've ever read. I wasn't quite through the introduction when I thought, "I can't continue." But I pressed on. I have asked God to bring women and girls into my life who are hungry for discipleship, for truth, for Jesus. If I'm serious about that prayer, then I need to be prepared. I need to understand the context in which today's girls and young women are growing up. I need to know what's shaping their thoughts and driving their actions. I need to move way beyond my paradigm of what it was like to be a teenager in the 80s and begin to grasp what today's girls struggle with, obsess over, and live for.
And then of course there's the fact that I have three girls of my own, ages 14, 12, and 9.
I got a most unwanted education from this book. I don't recommend it. We parents need to wise up, for sure, but there is A LOT of stuff out there that we don't need to know. I now have mental pictures that I couldn't have conceived of six months ago, and I wish I could erase them. So by writing about this book, I am not encouraging you to drop everything and read it. But do read this blog over the next month or so. I'll try to summarize the important things we parents need to know without scarring you for life.
Nancy Jo Sales is a 51-year-old journalist who writes for Vanity Fair, Harper's Bazaar, and New York magazine. Somehow, she was able to embed herself in circles of teenage girls across the country. In big cities and small towns. With all kinds of girls: white, black, Hispanic, Asian, wealthy, middle-class, homeless. She shopped at the mall with high schoolers. She bar-hopped with college girls. She hung out with YouTube celebrities, 15-year-olds who can buy and sell their parents because they make videos in their rooms sharing wardrobe and make-up tips. She interviewed parents, many of them conflicted, most of them concerned, all of them clueless about what their kids were doing. She stood in a line that went around a New York city block, waiting with groups of young teenage girls who were desperate to meet Kim Kardashian and get an autographed copy of her book Selfish, a primer on how to take attractive naked selfies. Ms. Sales recorded the awe-struck words of one of Kim's 13-year-old superfans when she met the celebrity: "You've inspired me to be hot and famous." She also captured the words of a mother standing nearby: "You are such a role model to my daughters."
Ms. Sales got teenage girls to look up from their phones and really talk. They talked about 24-hour-a-day cell phone obsession that no one questions. About regularly being asked for "nudes" (pictures of themselves either barely dressed or undressed) by boys they'd barely met or didn't know at all. About "slut shaming," ridiculing girls who were too loose, and "slut pages," coveted internet spots in which boys rank which girls they want to have sex with. They talked about not being able to trust anyone, because everyone is a bully and everyone is bullied. Boys cheat. Relationships change minute by minute. Manipulation is constant. ("How long it takes to respond [to a text or post] is the one who has the power," one girl explained.) "Likes" are social currency, to the point where moms actually buy likes for their daughters so it looks like they're more popular. A 13-year-old said, "Every time I post a selfie, I need to check who's commenting--like, Oh my God, I'm getting so many comments. I'm so happy when I get likes! We're all obsessed with how many likes we get. It never feels like enough. I feel like I'm brainwasheed into wanting likes."
Partially brainwashed, yes, but not fully. Another 13-year-old observed, "It's funny it's called a selfie because half the time it doesn't even look like you. So you're getting people to like this picture of you that isn't even real." In their conversations with Ms. Sales, the idea of "real" kept coming up. I was struck by these comments from 13-year-old New Jersey girls, who called social media anxiety-producing and depressing. "So much drama happens over social media. Probably more stuff happens on my phone than in real life" one said. Her friend added, "I feel like we're living in a second world. There's a real world and a second world on social media. All we talk about all day is what's happening on our phones, but we never talk about how weird that is."
Older teenagers have even more perspective. The college girls remember what it was like when they were 11 and 12, before social media existed like it does today. They remember what life was like before they were tethered all day every day to their phones. Some of them are concerned for their younger siblings, who now start social media binging at 9 or 10. "It's destroying our lives," one older girl said, but then quickly added, "but without it, we'd have no life." Another girl wisely assessed the draw: "The temptation of being able to self-promote is just too strong. You can be whoever you want to be on social media." Another said, "Everything revolves around these Internet people we create. And everyone is super-aware of everyone else's ranking on these sites. I don't think we would be so addicted to it unless everybody else was, if everyone wasn't talking about it all the time."
I know a lot of adults who don't function well without their phones, who feel compelled to check them several times during a lunchtime meeting. But I don't think those of us in our 40s and beyond can imagine the all-encompassing, hypotic power that an app-filled phone has on a teenage girl. One girl described it as someone constantly tapping on her shoulder, while she was in school, while she was doing homework, while she attempted to sleep. "I can't help it. I have to look."
Social media is not the antichrist, but it is shaping our kids and our society in ways that cannot be overexaggerated. This is huge. I don't want to wake up suddenly in 20 years, when these kids are running our country, and wonder how in the world we got where we are. We're getting there right now by the decisions we make with and for our kids. The author of this book wrote with a clear agenda. She is promoting feminism and believes that's the answer to the exploitation, bullying, and manipulation of girls on social media. She blames men and boys, Silicon Valley CEOs, and a culture that has traditionally oversexualized and devalued women.
While I applaud her research, I don't wholly agree with her conclusions. I blame the enemy of Light and Life and Truth. (Ephesians 6:12, "We are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in heavenly places.") I have my own agenda in sharing her findings with you. I believe the answer is for parents to wake up, to stop complaining about the hours their kids spend on their phones and actually find out what they're doing, to make family conversations about this topic a high priority in their homes. The ultimate solution for any spiritual battle is prayer. After reading this book, I don't walk nonchalantly into a room full of kids like I used to. I walk in and know I must pray.
More to come.
Sunday, June 12, 2016
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