Fire Damage

I’ve known a few people who lost all their childhood memories and possessions to fire. None of them actually lived there at the time, but it’s still pretty horrible to watch the structure of your formative years disintegrate into nothing.

By the age of 18, I had moved 19 times. The first two-thirds (roughly) of my life were void of permanent structure. This in contrast with my husband, whose childhood was enshrined in a basement room of his parents’ house up until a few years ago. Picture Larry Bird posters and yellowing homecoming photos on a background of 70’s wallpaper.

I didn’t find “home” until I was 22. Sure, it might have looked like an 8 x 10 cubicle in an office building like any other. But to me, it was the place where I fit. It was where I met people who invested in me and changed my life (one I even married), where I learned who I am and what I do best. In short, it was the place where I grew up. It was my little department in a big Christian ministry, where I lived and loved life for 14 years.

Earlier this month, that department was “re-imagined” (now there’s a euphemism for you), and all my friends either lost their jobs or were reassigned somewhere else. What was once my family is being dispersed; what was once my home feels as if it has burned to the ground.

As resistant as I am to change, I realize that sometimes it has to happen. Sometimes it’s good. There are things about this change that are good. But “good” doesn’t make it hurt any less. I hurt for my friends who are forced to search for jobs when there are so few to be found. I hurt for the brilliant work that was created there that will be buried and forgotten. I hurt for the stories that will go untold (we were nothing if not great storytellers!). I hurt for the relationships that will surely change as people go their separate ways. And truth be told, I hurt for the young girl in me who is losing a piece of her permanent structure. Although it’s not been a part of my life for the past year, it’s a huge part of my history, and history is huge for me.

Fortunately, personal growth can’t burn—it’s with me as long as I live. And personal growth is what I took away in buckets from that job, from those experiences and relationships. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Nothing has shaped my adult life more than The Navigators. And all the re-imagining in the world can’t take that away.