A Longing Revisited

Have you ever had a longing so intense, and so unfulfilled, that you finally had to give up on it just to keep yourself going? We hear stories of this—women who spent years agonizing over finding a husband or having a baby who eventually came to the place where they had to surrender their longing in order to keep living. And then, sometimes, or

even more than sometimes, the unfulfilled longing is realized when they least expect it.

In my late teens and twenties, my longing was for travel. I couldn’t imagine living on this big, diverse planet and not seeing every part of it. I planned trips in my head, and some made it further than that, but none ever came to fruition. The one that I was sure would happen was a trip to Russia to visit two of my closest college friends who had married and moved there to do ministry. It was late 1994, and Russia seemed to be exploding with opportunities and adventure. My money was saved and my plans were made—until they were interrupted. My grandparents died. I became embroiled in a legal battle over their wills. I got engaged and needed money for a wedding. And so I stayed home.

Kevin and I took some wonderful trips in our pre-kid days, but none of them was outside the U.S. My work sent me to various places across the country, but even though I worked for an international ministry, never was there an invitation to go overseas. Over time, I had more and more opportunity to work with internationals and to create books for them. This must be my exposure to the world, I thought. And as the babies came fast and furious, and as I got older and more attached to my bed and other creature comforts, I became content with this. There would be time for travel when the kids were grown—in fact, maybe I would be traveling overseas to see my kids. Even if that didn’t pan out, I’m a firm believer in the new heaven and earth, and I figured I’d see it all some day anyway, at a time when my spry resurrected body wouldn’t have to sit on a plane for 14 hours straight.

But guess what? Out of the blue, I’m going to Russia. Me! How funny that God would send me, of all people, to Russia, of all places, in the dead of winter, of all times. Yep, just when I least expected it.

Given my historical longing, it would seem that I'd be giddy about this opportunity. A longing fulfilled, even twenty years after I had given it up! That’s the stuff “giddy” is made of, right? And yet . . . 

A lot changes in twenty years. As I wrestled with the decision and all the questions it surfaced—Why here? Why now? Can I just leave my life and responsibilities for a week and a half?—I developed a picture of myself in Russia: I’m cold to my core, jetlagged, sleep-deprived and barely functioning, likely physically sick and certainly homesick, heartbroken by what I’m seeing, and emotionally spent. It wasn’t pretty, and it induced no giddiness.

Then God brought to mind the numerous times I have said to other people, “It’s at the end of yourself where you’ll meet God in the most powerful ways.” The picture I saw of myself in Russia? It was me at the end of myself. So how could I resist? My lovely daily life offers me very few opportunities to reach the end of myself; in Russia, it may happen before I even get off the plane.

I’ve known about this trip for almost four weeks, and giddy still has not set in. Intrigued is here for sure, but mostly I’m still locked in at simply “willing.” I think that’s exactly where God wants me for now.

I’ll be writing more over the next month about what I'll be doing on my trip and how He’s preparing me, and I’m sure I’ll have a lot to say about it when I get back the end of January. Between that and the Olympics, you should get plenty of Russia in the next two months!