Stay-at-home mom revelation #1

I don’t have much to show for my time.

In the past week, besides the usual school runs, laundry, meals, dishes, diapers, baths, exercise, quite time, etc., I don’t know what I’ve done with my time. There’s gotta be something because I used to do all that stuff and work 20 hours a week. Where are those 20 hours going? I’ve taken groceries over to a friend who’s trapped at home with a fractured hip. My kitchen is as clean as it’s been since we moved in. The Valentines have been purchased. I wrote a hard letter and sent some greeting cards. But surely those things don’t take up 20 hours? And I haven’t even touched the two hours of American Idol waiting for me on TiVo.

My time used to be so neatly segmented and measurable. I came home from the office with items checked off my to-do list (although never as many as I liked) and with some sense, however small, of accomplishment and closure. I could look back across the months and see books created and stories written and videos made. Monuments to my time.

At home, my to-do list is more accurately described as a “do-it-again” list. They’re things that must be done weekly, daily, hourly even. The kitchen that sparkles today will be covered with mud and blueberry remnants as soon as the kids walk in the door. The sandwiches I will make for lunch will be devoured, and the “I’m hungries” will start again before I even get the bread put away later this afternoon.

I can see I’m going to have to find a new way of measuring the ways my days are spent. There’s no satisfaction for me in meals made and shirts ironed. I know that some women—even dear friends of mine—find great fulfillment in serving their families in these ways. I think that’s wonderful, but I don’t think I’m ever gonna get there. To me, I’m just washing undies, not showing my kids the value of good hygiene. But I am starting to pay more attention to the little monuments. Is Addison reading a little better this week than she was last week? Is Camryn scooting around a little faster? Is Braden just a hair taller? Has Brooka been any kinder because of some small thing we talked about? These things are so subtle that I have to look hard to see them. But maybe that’s what this time is all about, time for looking hard.