The Problem of Pain

If you’ve walked with God for any length of time, you’ve most likely reached the same conclusion I have about why He allows us to hurt. Surely pain must lead us to God. 

One of my goals for this school year is to read as much C.S. Lewis as I can, so I dove into The Problem of Pain. He took me on quite the meandering journey, but he led me at last to these words.  

The settled happiness and security which we all desire, God withholds from us by the very nature of the world: but joy, pleasure, and merriment, He has scattered broadcast. We are never safe, but we have plenty of fun, and some ecstasy. It is not hard to see why. The security we crave would teach us to rest our hearts in this world and oppose an obstacle to our return to God: a few moments of happy love, a landscape, a symphony, a merry meeting with our friends, a bathe, or a football match, have no such tendency. Our Father refreshes us on the journey with some pleasant inns, but will not encourage us to mistake them for home. 

No kids, the Hokey Pokey is not what it’s all about it, but this just might be.

Thank you, thank you, God, for the inns, but please don't ever let me get so comfortable in them that I mistake them for Home.  

44 Again

At 44 years of age, my dad’s life came to an end. He was diagnosed with cancer at 42—the age I just turned—and it ended his life at 44, the age my husband turns today. I was 17 when my dad died; my brother was three weeks from his 22^nd birthday. While losing a parent is heartwrenching at any age, I’ve always seen God’s hand of grace in the ages we kids were when He took my dad home. At 44, my husband’s children are 13, 11, 8, and 5. He has so much work to do! But my parents, though not by intention, had children at a much younger age. My mom, just 40 when my dad died, was left not with babies or young children, but with near-adults who had learned what we needed to learn from our dad. I see God’s sovereignty and mercy all over that.

I also laugh when I think how much my perspective has changed. When people spoke at the funeral of how short my dad’s life was, how it was such a tragedy to die so young, I remember thinking, “Well, heck, he was 44. He lived a good, long life!” And now that I’m just around the bend from that “good, long life,” it’s suddenly not quite as lengthy.

When my brother turned 44 a couple years ago, I remember sort of holding my breath for the year. This was it: the dreaded age. Though unspoken, I think we’d both been mindful of its inevitability and unwelcoming of its arrival. But he breezed through it without incident, and I was able to breathe comfortably once more. Except today Kevin turns 44. It’s back again.

How thankful I am for your good health, my wonderful husband, and for the way you make the most of each minute you spend with our children. But I will hold you a bit closer this year, so prepare yourself. Happy Birthday, you youngster!  

A Skeptical Voter Wakes Up

It was November 1988, and I had just turned 18. I was one of the few in my senior class who had reached that milestone and was now eligible to vote in the presidential election. It was a big deal. Making it even bigger was the fact that I entered and won an essay contest, sponsored by my hometown newspaper, related to the election. I won something like $200, but more importantly, the win launched my journalism career. I would spend the next three summers working at the newspaper and finding my life’s calling.

I remember feeling so grown up because I could vote, like I was finally a legitimate member of the adult world. Someone somewhere counted my vote, and it mattered. I mattered. I had a voice. At last. How must I have looked to the election officials? I imagine my eyes were literally wide with wonder and excitement. “Ah,” they must have thought, “so young and naïve.”

Now I’m preparing to vote in my seventh presidential election. The wonder and excitement are long gone. Now I must choose between two candidates who don’t come close to representing me, let alone inspiring me. I can’t, in good faith, cast my vote for either, and I seriously considered not voting at all. I researched, read, and prayed and was eventually persuaded that not voting at all is a bigger threat to the conscience than voting for someone in whom I have no confidence. So, OK, I’ll vote, but it will be a jaded, skeptical vote, not a wide-eyed hopeful vote.

In some of the reading I did, I found an interesting point. Most of us agree that voting is our civic duty, but one writer argued that voting is actually the most minimal part of our duty. We should also be involved in raising up the kind of people we could get excited about and training and encouraging them to lead. That we need to play a role in local politics and getting people on the ballots who we can believe in. The bottom line was this: If we choose to opt out of the preparation process, we don’t get to complain when we’re faced with two bad choices during the election process.

I’ll admit that I’ve been the complainer in the past several presidential contests. Other than showing up to vote for major elections, my strategy for engaging with the political process has been to stay as far away from it as possible. I’ve never dialogued with someone considering a run for office, never been to a local caucus. I’ve never actively campaigned for any candidate—assuming my son’s recent run for student council doesn’t count.

I don’t know that I’m going to make a radical change in my life based on this information, but I do have a new awareness of my own culpability in the political process. The satisfaction I experienced during that ’88 presidential election may not be realized again, but I pray that some time before my voting days are through, I will find some candidate at some level that I can believe in and crusade for. 

Hate Blogging and the Psalms

I’ve been reading the Psalms for several weeks, and I always find it hard to relate to a lot of what I find there. I’ve not experienced much agony or despair. I’m not generally a victim of great injustice. I’ve never been on the run from my enemies, nor have I ever really had an enemy with the possible exception of a few bad days in high school.

At least that’s what I thought.

Just last week I became aware of some ugly comments—OK, brutal comments—made about me on the internet. I can almost hear the teenage girls of the world sighing, “Welcome to my world.” But this is not my world. In my world, you actually meet a person and get to know them before making character judgments. And then, if those judgments are negative, you keep them to yourself. “Hate bloggers” don’t play by those rules. Apparently they have all sorts of time to think up creative insults for random people they’ve only encountered electronically. One referred to me as a narcissistic drama queen who deserves every bad thing that’s ever happened to me. One wondered how I can sleep at night because of all the morally incomprehensible things I’ve done and warned people to stay away from me. And suddenly, those Psalms didn’t seem so remote. By George, I think I’ve found an enemy.

Or rather an Enemy. How foolish I’ve been to not recognize that truth always has an enemy. I purposefully choose every day to align my life with the truth of God, and of course the Enemy is going to rise up against that. It may not always be so blatant as hate blogging, but it’s always there.

The comments were so outlandish that I had to laugh. But I have to admit that they also made me pause for a good long while, wondering if any of it could be true. That pause ended with greater clarity and much gratitude for several things:

for the Holy Spirit who grounds me in truth and whose conviction is the only one I must heed;

for a clear conscience—though I’m a sinner, I can and do sleep very well at night because I know I’m forgiven;

for people who love me enough to tell me the truth and wouldn’t allow me to be a narcissistic drama queen even if I wanted to be;

for new awareness that the Enemy is alive and well in my own life;

and for my merciful God, who knows the truth about me and whose judgment of me is the only one that matters.

Psalm 61: 1–3 “Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe.”

So maybe my heart has not grown faint, maybe I’m not to the point of calling from the ends of the earth, but this great psalm has new significance to me. I do have a foe, but I also have a very strong tower. 

Teaching Respect in a Bumper-Sticker World

At breakfast one day last week my 5^th grade daughter was talking about a bumper sticker her friend had seen. “There was a picture of Obama on it and it said, ‘Does this donkey make my car look big,’ only it didn’t say ‘donkey,’ it said that other bad word.”

My first observation: My daughter refers to her president as “Obama.” Not “Mr. Obama” or “President Obama,” or even “Barak Obama,” but the casual name she hears so many adults use.

My second observation: She doesn’t know what to think about this bumper sticker. Should she snicker with her friends? Or is there something wrong here, even though she’s not sure what it is?

And finally: It sure is hard to teach respect in a bumper-sticker world.

A few nights earlier I had talked with some friends about the lack of respect so evident in our country, how we’ve blurred the lines between a political figure’s character and the politics he represents. I told my questioning kids that while I don’t agree with President Obama’s politics and I hate some of his policies, he still has my respect. I actually find him pretty easy to respect. He’s obviously very smart. He carries himself well and always looks professional. He’s done nothing shameful to embarrass himself or our country. He seems to be an honorable husband and father, and I’d be surprised to see scandal erupt in his life. And besides all that, I believe that the President of the United States—no matter who it is—is simply a position that deserves respect. That’s why I take it personally when I see the insolent bumper stickers. That’s my president they’re ridiculing. I didn’t vote for him but he represents my country, and I don’t want anyone smacking him to the ground with their insults.

Does the Golden Rule not apply to presidents? Is that what we want our kids to learn? “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Except when it comes to the president. Then you can draw cartoons of little boys peeing on his head and plaster it to the back of your car.”

Our children need to understand that freedom of speech is a gift. Combined with respect, it’s the recipe for a great nation. Without respect—in our words, our actions, and our bumper stickers—not so much.

Educating Girls

I’m having radical thoughts on education. So radical they might make me sexist. Or at least seriously old-fashioned.

I have three daughters and one son. At least one of these daughters shows strong signs of wanting to be a wife and mother. (Especially if babies just fell from the sky with nothing “gross” or painful involved.) It’s not hard for her to find role models. The great majority of women we know are, or were, wives and moms. And yet I can only think of a couple of these women who are working full time outside the home; even in those cases, it’s not often by choice. One of my good friends has a medical degree, which she uses frequently at home and not-so-frequently in the world beyond. She spent years—not to mention lots and lots of dollars—pursuing her education while knowing that she really wanted to be a wife and mother, too.

My friend and I, and most of the women I know, are products of the Great Lie of the 70’s and 80’s: “You can have it all!” We believed it and gave it our best shot, only to realize that while you might be able to have it all, you won’t do it all well. And you’ll be so tired that you can’t even think straight. Something had to give. Some women gave up the job and began the hard work of making ends meet with just one paycheck. Some tied a key around their children’s necks and convinced themselves that the kids were better off with a satisfied Landrover-driving mom than a stifled stay-at-home mom. Some stayed on the job out of desperation and cried themselves to sleep thinking of some other woman holding their baby all day long. Some dads moved home or found creative solutions to fill in the gaps. And some of us were lucky enough to do our work from home.

So what if the next step in the education of girls—and boys, too, for that matter—is helping them find a trade they can do at home? I’m not talking about girls who know they want to be doctors and lawyers and rocket scientists and have the drive and patience to make it happen. I’m talking about girls who believe early on that their first calling is to be a wife and mother. Is it wise to send these girls off to pursue a four-year (or more) degree that can only be used in the outside professional world? Would it be more helpful and practical to encourage them toward something they can do at home? Traditional things like sewing and giving music lessons, but also things like accounting, graphic design, computer programming, book editing. Some of these require a college degree, but not one that costs $200,000.

And going a step further, as we’re divvying up whatever money we have to educate our children, is it inherently wrong to put more money in our son’s pile? Does it make us sexist to believe, even in the 21^st century, that he’ll most likely be the primary breadwinner in his family and that our daughters will not? Is this archaic thinking, or just a practical function of how many evangelicals think and raise their children? And if it’s the latter, why don’t we talk more about it?

If any of my kids is chomping at the bit for a certain kind of education, I hope we’ll be able to help them get it. But getting a degree just for the sake of getting a degree? Because it’s what everyone does in our circles? Because we want them to be well-rounded individuals? I’m not sure that’s the answer. There are a lot of ways to become well-rounded. A wiser choice to me seems to be helping them discover early on what they’re good at, what they love, and how they can earn money from it in ways that may be unconventional. It seems helpful to find people who are already doing those things and shadow them. I’ve always argued that none of the skills I use to do my job were learned in a classroom; they came from real-life experiences and sitting at the feet of good mentors. They were also free and didn’t consume years of my life.

I'm glad I have years ahead before these questions need to be answered, but for now, I think they at least need to be asked.  

13 Down, 13 To Go

It’s hard to say what I love most about my kids’ school, but probably it’s that kids get to be kids as long as they should be. Homework is never emphasized over family time, sixth graders aren’t obsessed with cell phones and boyfriends, and kindergartners go to school four mornings a week. Some parents struggle with that last one, and I’ll admit there have been times when I was ready to launch my five-year old much more quickly into the world of full-time school. But not this time. This time I’m so thankful I have one more year before Life As I Know It changes. One more year to transition out of the Little Kid Years and enter a new stage. One more year before I become that woman standing in her kitchen at 8:30 in the morning saying, “What do I do now?”

Empty-nester moms get all the press, but kids-in-school moms, at least those who don’t work outside the home, face a similar question of identity and purpose. When Camryn starts first grade next year, I will have spent 14 years wiping bottoms, pouring juice, reading books, singing songs, and teaching my little kids how to be big kids. I’ll have another 12 ahead of working with my big kids on how to be adults—and I’ll also have a whole lot more free time. This thrills my soul, but I want to be intentional about how I use it.

I could easily fill that time with exercise, Bible study, and meeting with friends, all things I love. I could increase my freelance business, which I love, or find a part-time job. I could throw myself into service and volunteer my hours away, which I would love. I could redirect my nurturing and get a puppy—love puppies!—and plant a garden. And let me say right here that I am aware of the huge luxury it is to even be able to ponder how I’ll spend my time. The vast majority of the world doesn’t have that option. To me, that’s all the more reason to be intentional and not careless with it.

What I can’t do is do it all. And so I feel like this year is a gift to me. Not only do I get these sweet days with Camryn, but I have the luxury of getting to pray and plan for the next 12 years of my life. This will be the year I say “no” so that next year I can begin saying “yes” to the right things. 

Are you saying "yes" to the right things? Are you investing your time intentionally or spending it carelessly? Something to think about as we all tear through our days.