Reflections from Juror Number 14

In the midst of three major life transitions—moving, sending one kid to a new school and your baby to kindergarten—what’s the one thing you want to do most? Jury duty? Why, yes, of course. Who wants to shuttle children around and unearth the shower curtain when you could be sitting for hours in a courtroom?

This was me earlier this week. My summons was actually for the middle of July, but since we were on vacation that week, I handpicked this make-up date for myself. I’ve been on a jury before, so I’m no stranger to how it all works. I always bring my stack of reading material and assume I’ll be in and out in a couple hours, but it never quite works out that way.

About 350 of us gathered Monday morning at the county courthouse. By 11:00, 300 were dismissed. The remaining 50 of us were given a supplemental questionnaire and told to return at 2:00. I knew by the look of the questionnaire that I did not want to return. The words “sexual assault against a child” jumped off the page and made me slightly queasy. Still, the thought of a warrant for my arrest seemed even worse, so I obediently returned to the courthouse at 2. On my way there, I reminded myself that I am the Lord’s servant, and anyplace He puts me is where I want to be. Even on this jury.

The questioning, which lasted four hours and continued into Tuesday, was absolutely fascinating. I’m a studier of people, and the jury box provides better material than any airport terminal. The first two hours were light and conversational. We were asked about our jobs, hobbies, reading, music, and TV preferences. How can it be that in this city, I was the only one who reads Christian books and listens to Christian music—or at least who admits it? Country music, romance novels, and moms who love vampires are a lot more common than I knew.

Then we got into the nitty-gritty questioning. We were told there were five accusers in this case, all children, who would take the stand and testify. We talked about whether children were reliable witnesses and whether it’s even morally sound to put them in that position. We talked about the presumption of innocence, to which a few potential jurors responded, “He’s guilty in my book until someone proves him innocent.” (They were promptly excused at the first opportunity.) We learned more about the legal requirements of the case and how each count was separate and distinct from the others. In other words, we would have to consider each child’s testimony independently from the others, with no testimony bleeding over in our minds.

This is where things took an interesting turn. Person after person nodded affirmatively that they could do this. All the while I’m thinking that while that may be the law, it’s a ridiculous expectation. I had decided I wouldn’t say anything to intentionally get off the jury (like responding “purple bunny” to every question), but I would give my honest answers and let the chips fall as they may. I had the benefit of time and was able to think deeply about my answer. “I discern someone’s character based on their patterns,” I said. “Lie to me once, and I’ll give you grace. Lie to me repeatedly, and I’ll know better than to trust you.” Then I stated the seemingly simple concept that if I deemed the defendant the kind of man who would hurt one child, it would be hard for me to believe he would not hurt another. As much as I would want to follow the judge’s instructions to keep the charges separate, I wasn’t sure on a practical level how I would do that.

It wasn’t a popular statement. The defense lawyer started scribbling notes and asked who agreed with Ms. Jones. A few people raised their hands. But the prevailing thought in the room was that compartmentalizing these charges was as easy as it was essential. This leads me to wonder if I’m more honest than the average Joe, more aware of my own limitations, or just more crusty and disagreeable. Regardless, I was on the jury for only three minutes before the defense “thanked and excused Ms. Jones.”

Not the way I planned to start my week, but a great opportunity to surrender afresh to God’s plan for my time and realize that there are a lot of people even in this city who are a whole lot different from me. 

The Bigger Story

For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

—1 Corinthians 13:12

I love being able to see the big picture. I love knowing how all the parts and pieces fit together. During our months of praying for a house, I hoped that some day I might know how God was answering those prayers. Not just how it ended, but what was happening all along the way. He gave me a glimpse of the bigger picture when I met a new neighbor who told me about the people who built our house.

In the summer of 2010, when our family was moving into the Shome, another family was preparing their house to sell, too. Mr. and Mrs. Throne, in their 70s, had built their house in 1977 in what must have been the country back then. They were close to our age at that time, and I imagine this was their dream house. They used fine wood and excellent construction. (Their choices in wallpaper were questionable, but as it was 1977, we’ll cut them some slack.) Mr. Throne walked the neighborhood each morning and helped the neighbors stay connected. Mrs. Throne worked in her garden and took care of Mr. Throne, even labeling a shelf in the pantry “Lunch Food” so he would know where to look when he got hungry. But in 2010, Mr. Throne received a cancer diagnosis with a grim outlook; he had about a year to live.

He spent the last year of his life preparing their house so that his wife could easily sell it when he was gone. He updated the kitchen and master bathroom, put in new carpet and air conditioning, and replaced the roof. He brought his house out of the ’70s so that a 21^st century family would love it as much as he had. He probably would have done more if the cancer hadn’t taken his life, but his dying wish was fulfilled. His wife easily sold their home within days in August 2011.

She sold it to a single man. I wonder if she thought, “This is a lot of house for just one person.” Had she imagined a family here? I think she had. But the family she was imagining—mine—wasn’t ready yet. We were only halfway through our time at the Shome, and we didn’t even know this house was here last summer. Good thing, or I would have clamored for it. But instead, the single man bought it. He lived here for 10 months. How surprised he must have been when his job took him overseas for an indefinite period of time. The house he surely thought he would settle in had to be sold. In July 2012. Just in time for us.

There’s a lot I don’t know about the Thrones and the man who sold the house to us. But I know that those sweet older people prepared this house for my family. I believe they had us in mind as they worked. And I know God used that man to hold this house for us until it was our time. God Almighty was working on our behalf every step of the way, knitting the pieces together as only He can. There I was, sitting in the parking lot of my children’s school a half mile away last year, praying that God would give us a house, and it was being prepared for us just down the street.

But there’s an even bigger story going on. God’s not just preparing houses for us here on earth; He’s preparing our home for us. Our eternal home. He’s doing it right now. While we fret about our bills and our government and our children’s future, He’s working on a much bigger story for all who follow Him. Some day He’ll move us into that home, and we’ll see how all the pieces fit together, even the hard ones that make no sense to us here. Then we shall know, just as we are fully known.

In my Father’s house there are many rooms; if it were not so I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go to prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me so that you will also be where I am.

 —John 14:2–3

784 Days

Our days at the Shome are coming to an end. We’ll be moving next week, Lord willing and the creek don’t rise. To the casual reader, it may seem like we just moved in. But to me, the past 784 days (give or take) have felt exactly like 784 days. My baby was newly three when we moved in; now she’s starting kindergarten in a week and a half. A lot of living has happened at the Shome. So what will I remember? What will the kids remember? The lack of space? The long commutes everywhere? The line of five whiny people at the bathroom door? Probably, but I hope we’ll focus on these memories instead:

• The girls becoming master rollerbladers in our family room.
• Eating donuts and watching the hot-air balloon launch on Labor Day weekend from our rooftop.
• Walking to the Family Dollar store across the street. How many people can do that?
• The kids using our bed as their “outdoor play area,” and us being laid back enough to go with it.
• Sword fights with dipsticks on top of the building next door.
• Daily visits from Grandpa, who works downstairs. Every kid should get to see their grandpa each day!
• Camryn opening her eyes in the morning and seeing her dad sitting at his desk right across the hallway.
• Christmas caroling in the ’hood with 80 of our suburban friends.
• Getting creative in the minivan. We used it for doing homework, eating, napping, reading, playing games, changing clothes, and having some really great conversations. 

And what about what we’ve learned during these 784 days? I’m still processing, and probably will be for a very long time, but here are a few things I know today:

• The poor are not just who you think they are. In our neighborhood at least, they are old ladies who live in small houses with lots of pets. How can we all do a better job of taking care of these forgotten women?
• Our city is much more diverse than we think it is. In any of the stores near our house we see people with turbans, women covered in robes, people with no limbs, and every race imaginable. Some day soon the kids won’t know this is normal. We’ll go days and weeks and possibly months without seeing someone in a wheelchair unless we’re intentional about where we walk and shop and hang out.
• Kids are so much less fragile than we think they are. Why is it that when a scary-looking person walks down the street, I step aside but kids look up and smile? Or that a 7-year-old can talk so intelligently and compassionately about homelessness? How can they all endure a middle-of-the-night break-in and be completely unfazed the next day? Nope, not as fragile as I thought.
• And here’s the big lesson for me: If you’re going to radically change your life, you’ve got to jump in with both feet. You can take baby steps—maybe even teenager steps—in living outside your comfort zone without completely detaching from the world as you once knew it. That is what we have done, and I’m so glad we did. We are better because of it, even if the ways are small. But we didn’t fully commit. For several reasons, we kept our kids in their overachieving school in the “nice” part of town, which meant their playdates, sports teams, and really their hearts, stayed there as well. This also left me in the car three hours a day, and it’s hard to invest in your community when your most meaningful fellowship is with a steering wheel. Baby steps are good and important, and I’ve done things here that I never imagined I could do. But to anyone considering uprooting to a different kind of lifestyle, I would say you’ve got to pull those roots all the way up. 

A New Era

Today I am the mother of a teenager. My son Braden, an unwilling participant in his own birth, was yanked from the womb 13 years ago today. I've said for a few years now that we're in parenting utopia—no babies, no teenagers. It all ends today.

Or does it? 

Can we make it through the next seven years with no door slams, no holes punched in the wall, no angry “YOU-JUST-DON’T-UNDERSTAND!” moments? I’m not so sure. Most of the grown men I’ve asked have admitted to a wall punch or two during their teenage years, and my husband bears scars on his own forearm from an angry adolescent outburst.

Will my son make it through junior high and high school with no regrets? Not a chance. I see many of my own worst qualities spewing out of my firstborn—impatience, a tongue quick to criticize, brutal honesty that’s not always packaged in love. He’ll say something he regrets, probably every day, until maturity and natural consequences and the book of James finally do their work in him and tame his tongue. Then it’ll only happen once a week.

Will he experience devastating disappointment? Will he be stressed and overwhelmed? Will he feel like no one understands him? Will he wonder why God made him the way He did and wish he could be someone else? Yes on all counts. And he’ll be stronger, wiser, gentler because of it. I wouldn’t shield him from these traumas for anything. 

But I will not surrender him to teenage culture. I will not accept the popular idea that this is where I lose him. I will not believe the bad press that teenagers get. I will not believe the lies that teenagers don’t want anything to do with their parents or that they have to shut us out to discover their own independence. I will not assume that he doesn’t want to hear from me on the big issues of life and keep my fingers crossed that he’s getting good enough messages from his church leaders, teachers, coaches, and friends. I will not trade in my role as his parent in hopes of being his friend. I will not assume that healthy independence means hours spent in a room filled with technology but no people or that my son has better things to do than spend time with his parents and little sisters. I will not stop wrestling with him, tickling him, or hugging him just because he’s eight inches taller than me (and, oh, how I hope he’ll be eight inches taller than me!).

In the blink of an eye, these little children I’ve been raising will all be teenagers, and it starts today. I say bring it on. I can’t wait! 

Asking for Elephants

Some thought-provoking questions have arisen from my last post, primarily, when is it appropriate to ask God to meet a deadline? The easy answer seems to me that it’s always appropriate to ask. There are certain circumstances that lend themselves more to deadlines—in our case, moving before school starts—but as long as we’re seeking God’s will, I don’t know that He ever is displeased by our ask.

The bigger point I am learning is that He is pleased when we ask big. I’ve realized how I have shied away from asking Him to do great and mighty things in and for me because I want to protect myself from disappointment. If I’m being honest, I also feel the need to protect Him and His reputation if He doesn’t deliver. I don’t have to work through hard faith issues if I don’t ever ask, right? Of course I’ll never grow in faith either.

Beth Moore tells a story in one of her Believing God DVD sessions that will stick with me the rest of my life. As she was starting school as a little girl, her aunt called and asked what she could get Beth for her first day of school. The aunt was probably thinking of a sweater, but little Beth was thinking big. She asked for an elephant. A bejeweled elephant with a fancy throne on which Beth could sit as she rode into school on the first day. (I picture Aladdin riding into the palace as a newly-minted prince in the Disney movie.) All these years later, Beth’s aunt still laughs about the elephant. “Honey, I couldn’t get you an elephant, but how I loved that you asked!”

If I ask God for an elephant and it’s in my best interest to have one, He’ll give me an elephant. He can do anything. He can give any gift at any time, perform any miracle in any way, answer any prayer exactly as we hope He will. Or He can say no. But next time I hear “no” from Him, I’m also going to envision Him saying, “Honey, I could get you the elephant if I knew it was best for you, but it’s not. So the answer is no, but how I love that you asked!”

He delights in our big asks! If they come from a God-seeking, submitted heart—and He knows when they do—they bring Him great joy. So no more asking for sweaters when it’s an elephant I really want to ask Him for. No more trying to protect myself or God’s reputation. And if there’s an elephant you’re praying for, I’d love to hear about it and pray with you.

Confidence in What We Hope for; Assurance When We Do Not See

Living in the Shome has been a faith adventure, no doubt. The conclusion to our time here has been no different; in fact, God has ramped up the faith story He’s been writing for our family. I have been praying daily to see His supernatural intervention in our circumstances—a miracle. I’ll tell you our story and let you see for yourself if He answered.

January 2012: We start looking at houses online. One, in particular, grabs our attention. But as we prepare to make an offer a month later, the owner suddenly takes it off the market after 10 months. Weird. We thought this was going to be so quick and easy.

February/March/April: We keep looking. Nothing. We realize the market has turned and inventory (houses for sale) has plummeted. I start praying for a miracle.

Late March: My friend Felicia and I start doing Beth Moore’s Believing God Bible study together. Neither of us knows anything about it. Both of us are searching for homes.

April: I tell Kevin that I’d like to find a house by July 1 so that we can get into it before school starts. Our family starts praying for that together. We have no prospects, but we’ve got a lot of time. House sales pick up in the summer, right? God speaks to me from Hebrews 11:6: “Without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.” I’m seeking like never before.

May: We’re now checking the MLS every day. Absolutely nothing appeals to us.

Late May: Felicia and I, who have been plowing through this Bible study, realize we’re going to have to slow down with the kids out of school. We had hoped to finish it before school ended, but maybe there’s a reason we need to stick with it through the summer. Every lesson speaks to me on waiting, seeking God, trusting in His faithfulness. Hebrews 11:1: “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.”

May 31: Felicia finds a house. My hope is renewed.

June 1: A third summer in the Shome. I did not sign up for this, and I’m growing restless. Psalm 40:17: “I am poor and needy, but, Lord God, you care about me, and you come to my rescue. Please hurry up and help.” (If David can ask God to hurry, so can I.)

June 9: Maybe God doesn’t appreciate my July 1 deadline. I meet with a former author of mine, someone I greatly respect, and ask him what he thinks God thinks when we pray with a deadline. “I think He’s delighted,” my friend replies. He then prays with me not only for a house by July 1, but a house with all the things we’re looking for. “How many square feet?” he wants to know. I hadn’t thought of asking God that!

June 10: We’ve decided to increase our price range. Maybe we can help God along by creating a bigger window for Him to work with? (Because obviously He needs our help?) I am now looking on the MLS day and night, and Matthew 6:33 comes to mind—the only verse I have memorized in the King James: “Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness, and all of these things shall be added unto you.” I resolve to have my quiet time before looking at the MLS!

June 11: “Oh, God, what if we’ve prayed for July 1 with the kids and you don’t answer? What will that do to their faith? What will it do to mine?” Mark 9:24: “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”

June 12: My reading from the Believing God study: “And so we celebrated because the Lord had indeed worked miracles for us” (Psalm 126:3). A few days later, this same verse will appear on the screen at our church. A sacred echo! Got it. Memorized it.

June 19: The anniversary of our move to the Shome. We made it two years!

June 23: We pack up our friend Peggy, who is moving to Arizona. She seems to be the primary person God wanted us to meet down here, and we have spent hours and hours with her. Because she keeps falling and can no longer live alone, she has decided to move to Arizona with her family. While I am sad to see her go, I also feel like God is releasing our family from our assignment down here.

June 26: The most destructive fire to ever hit Colorado levels 347 houses in our city in one evening. Our focus and prayers shift away from our house and onto theirs. The whole city is sad and smoky.

June 29: I whine to Kevin that I’m sick of summer, sick of the heat, sick of the fire, sick of the Shome, sick of waiting on God. I start composing a blog post in my head about how much easier it is to focus on your frustrations than on your faith. I review my journal and find a passage I got from a book I worked on last summer: “The Lord was testing you to make sure you trust Him, so that He could be good to you later on.” I’m sick of the testing, but I can’t even complain about it because we’re in a disaster zone, and at least I have a place to live. There’s nothing I hate more in myself than ungratefulness.  

June 30: It’s 95 degrees, and we have a t-ball double header. In the smoke. I check my e-mail at the game. There’s a new MLS listing. My friend Rebecca looks up the address on her phone. It’s a house on 3.6 acres a half-mile from our school. In our original price range. We drive there straight from the t-ball field.

July 1: Although there aren’t supposed to be any showings until Monday, our realtor gets us in on Sunday night. We walk through the house. It needs a lot of work, but we know it’s the one.

July 5: We’re under contract. We aim to close on August 3. School starts August 20.

And so we celebrated

Because the Lord indeed

Has worked miracles for us. 

Fire Fighting

I moved to Colorado Springs in 1993, a 22-year-old with a brand new college degree and little else. I didn’t know a soul here. I rented an apartment a few miles from The Navigators, where I had found a part-time job as a writer. Unable to live on the $11,000 it paid, I eagerly took another part-time job as a secretary in my department so that I could eek out a very modest living.

I felt like a grown-up when I arrived, but I wasn’t. Glen Eyrie, the headquarters of The Navigators, is where I grew up. It’s where I understood the kind of relationship God wanted with me. It’s where I learned to memorize His Word and apply it to my life. It’s where I learned words like “disciple” and “Great Commission.” It’s where I made my biggest blunders and celebrated my greatest achievements. It’s where I learned to do the work I do today. It’s where I met the people who changed the course of my life. It’s where I met my husband (at the mailboxes) and said my wedding vows (in the Castle). It’s where I nearly gave birth—Brooklyn was born 12 hours after I left work one day in April 2004. It’s where I sat on the floor in the hallway with my friends and bawled like a baby the day my job came to an end. It’s where I can barely, just barely, muster up the strength to drive by today, more than five years after my sad departure. Like so many other Navigators around the world, I think of Glen Eyrie as my spiritual home.

The Waldo Canyon fire raging in our mountains leapt down the ridge Tuesday evening and charged toward Glen Eyrie. It’s not the first time the Glen has been in the path of natural disaster, but this is about as close as it gets. I heard today that infrared pictures show the fire line coming right up to the edge of the property—where it abruptly ends. Certainly the teams of firefighters on the property are doing an amazing job defending it. The castle, especially, as the original home of Colorado Springs’ founder, is so prominent in the city that they will not let it go down without a major fight. But I also know there’s another kind of protection that doesn’t need any hoses or shovels. I can’t begin to imagine how many of us are praying for the Glen. How we love to see Him answer in such dramatic ways.

Please keep praying for our city—for the 32,000 displaced residents, for the firefighters, for Glen Eyrie.  This will be a long haul.